A HUSBAND COMES HOME FROM CHURCH;
HE GREETS HIS WIFE AND LIFTS HER UP. HE THEN CARRIED HER AROUND THE HOUSE.
THE WIFE WAS SO SURPRISED AND SHE ASKED
'DID THE BISHOP PREACH ABOUT BEING ROMANTIC'?
THE HUSBAND SAID, 'NO, HE SAID WE MUST CARRY OUR BURDENS AND SORROWS'.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal! To kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 . Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
One day a woodcutter took his grandson into the forest for his first
experience in selecting and cutting oak trees. These they would later
sell to the boat builders.
As they walked along, the woodcutter explained that the purpose of
each tree is contained in its natural shape: some are straight for
planks, some have the proper curves for the ribs of a boat, and some
are tall for masts.
The woodcutter told his grandson that by paying attention to the
details of each tree, and with experience in recognizing these
characteristics, someday he too might become the woodcutter of the
forest.
A little way into the forest, the grandson saw an old oak tree that
had never been cut. The boy asked his grandfather if he could cut it
down because it was useless for boat building - there were no straight
limbs, the trunk was, short and gnarled, and the curves were going the
wrong way. "We could cut it down for firewood," the grandson said. "At
least then it will be of some use to us." The woodcutter replied that
for now they should be about their work cutting the proper trees for
the boat builders; maybe later they could return to the old oak tree.
After a few hours of cutting the huge trees, the grandson grew tired
and asked if they could stop for a rest in some cool shade. The
woodcutter took his grandson over to the old oak tree, where they
rested against its trunk in the cool shade beneath its twisted limbs.
After they had rested a while, the woodcutter explained to his
grandson the necessity of attentive awareness and recognition of
everything in the forest and in the world. Some things are readily
apparent, like the tall, straight trees; other things are less
apparent, requiring closer attention, like recognition of the proper
curves in the limbs. And some things might initially appear to have no
purpose at all, like the gnarled old oak tree.
The woodcutter stated, "You must learn to pay careful attention every
day so you can recognize and discover the purpose God has for
everything in creation. For it is this old oak tree, which you so
quickly deemed useless except for firewood, that now allows us to rest
against its trunk amidst the coolness of its shade.
"Remember, grandson, not everything is as it first appears. Be
patient, pay attention, recognize, and discover."
This is hysterical.I guess there are some things that the brain cannot handle..
HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT ?
You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe
this! This will confuse your mind and will keep you trying over and
over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It is
pre-programmed in your brain!
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and
make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your
right hand. Your foot will change direction.
And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how
stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it
again, if you've not already done so.
The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a
case study on stress level at St. Mary's Hospital.
Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical.
A closely monitored, scientific study of a group revealed that in
spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under
stress would find differences in the two dolphins. If there are many
differences found between both dolphins, it means that the person is
experiencing a great amount of stress.
Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two
differences you may want to take a vacation.
UNIX is simple. But it just needs a genius to understand its simplicity.
-Dennis Ritchie
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Before software can be reusable, it first has to be usable.
-Ralph Johnson
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.
-Fred Brooks
------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's hard enough to find an error in your code when you're looking for it;
It's even harder when you've assumed your code is error-free.
-Steve McConnell Code Complete
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are sure and the
intelligent are full of doubt.
-Bertrand Russell
------------------------------------------------------------------------
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be
the process of putting them in.
-Edsger Dijkstra
------------------------------------------------------------------------
You can either have software quality or you can have pointer arithmetic;
You cannot have both at the same time.
-Bertrand Meyer
------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third works.
-Alan J. Perlis
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring
aircraft building progress by weight.
-Bill Gates
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development
time.
The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the
development time.
-Tom Cargill
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Programmers are in a race with the Universe to create bigger and
better idiot-proof programs.
The Universe is trying to create bigger and better idiots.
So far the Universe is winning.
-Anonymous
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Theory is when you know something, but it doesn't work.
Practice is when something works, but you don't know why it works.
Programmers combine Theory and Practice: Nothing works and they don't
know why.
-Anonymous
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Six Phases of a Project:
* Enthusiasm
* Disillusionment
* Panic
* Search for the Guilty
* Punishment of the Innocent
* Praise for non-participants
-Anonymous
------------------------------------------------------------------------
No matter how slick (efficient) the demo is in rehearsal, when you do it
in front of a live audience,
The probability of a flawless presentation is
Inversely proportional to the number of people watching,
Raised to the power of the amount of money involved.
-Anonymous
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